In a dark place

This year I decided not to make resolutions, but to set goals. Less chance of failing and feeling bad because of it, right? The goals are the general ones we all set: to lose weight, to take care of myself better, etc.. I want to have a less cluttered life, so that's a goal. I need to stop feeling so in thrall to my chronic fatigue, so that's a goal.
I'm making headway on some of those, which makes me feel great. Others? I'm not any closer than I was this time last year.

People clutter is one of those areas. There are just some people in my life that are toxic, yet getting rid of them is difficult because I do care about them or because I work with them. For example:
  • The Negative Nanny. This is someone who always has a negative view of events, of people. I'm sure this person thinks that they're being helpful or passing along wisdom, but it's really just negative energy and gossip. When I'm with them, I find myself feeling negative and angsty about things, too. Trying to point out the good parts, or taking a less aggressive tack, well, it just doesn't work.
  • The Aggressive Ass. We all know this type: the person who has such a definite, aggressive position on everything. Knowing that this comes from a place of serious insecurity doesn't help, because the positions are so outrageous and insulting about my life. I find that I get equally aggressive, pedantic and angry in return. I worry that this is carrying over to other relationships.
  • The Sad Sack. No matter how well things are going, they just can't get past the past. Every conversation eventually turns to The Big Hurt, every action to move forward by others is deemed insensitive.
  • The Lying Larry. When you can't trust what the other person is saying (and this includes "the sun is shining" and "it's 1pm"), what hope do you have?
I could go on, but then I'm the gloomy, ungrateful, angry one. I hate feeling like this. I hate not wanting to go to work or to talk with friends because I know that they'll be angry, or negative, or lie to me. I hate knowing what each conversation is going to be like, wondering if I can make it through without saying "SHUT UP" and explaining exactly what they're doing to me emotionally and psychically. I did take one step, a small one, but beyond that... I'm in a dark place.


doug0077 said...

Hi Lazygal,

Believe it or not, I have found the "how to work with difficult people" materials actually sort of useful, especially those that give strategies on working with individual difficult character-types. Wrote a little about it here:


This also seems to be a difficult time of the year for me - I am always about ready to go postal waiting for spring. Light deficit, I suppose.

Keep yer chin up! (You could be on an expedition looking for the Northwest Passage.)


Murphy Jacobs said...

I've had to do what you are trying to do -- I've ended friendships, either overtly or covertly, because being with that person or being available to that person was like opening a vein and letting them drink me dry.

I don't see it as being mean or bad. I see it has protecting myself, in the same way I would protect myself from poison gas or a fire, or anything else that might hurt me.

It's not an easy thing to manage, I'll grant. One friend never realized I was pulling away, because she never really noticed what was going on in my life anyway. Another had to be told in very certain terms the friendship was over, which she'd been (unconsciously, I think) working toward in many ways for a while.

In the end, though, my life is much better. Their lives are not my responsibility, and I stand no more chance of changing them now than I did when I was in the relationship.

As for someone who outright lies to you -- such a person isn't a friend. In fact, it might be helpful to evaluate what it is you consider a good friend to be, and look at these people to see if they match up to that idea. They may not really be friends after all. They may just be people you know who expect things from you.

Nancy White said...

I have been trying to take care of my body too. My goal: Move for at least 30 minutes 5 x a week. So far, so good! (Actually started last November). I eat healthy. Now I have to work on the dreaded PORTION CONTROL!! But it is feeling good. So I send beams of encouragement. Your young body will appreciate when you hit 50 like me!