Life Crisis

I'm not one to blog overly much about my personal life but... yesterday was so horrible that I just feel I have to put this Out There and see what, if anything, comes back. One thing that people close to me know is that I have a history of depression (my first real episode came when I was in 7th grade - so I've been dealing with this for 30+ years and I know when I'm heading, or am, "down"). I've learned, in the intervening decades, that one real antidote is to layer on structure, so that accomplishing things leads to that sense of "you've gotten through ____, good for you!" and thus encourages me to accomplish something else. When I'm really down, though, my health (never a sure thing since mono a few years ago - and yes, you can get mono when you're in your 40s) suffers and I tend to just curl up and ignore the world by sleeping a lot and reading.

So, what's been getting me down?
  • There is someone in my life that is a very negative presence. Almost every comment is a complaint, an accusation, an argument (you get the picture). I can't get this person out of my life, and dealing with them is so draining, so disheartening that it colors the rest of my interactions with people. Yesterday, in a completely unprofessional manner, I lost it and said that if this person couldn't be positive about things, we were going to have real trouble. That the constant arguments and negative comments must stop now. I feel bad that my professionalism failed me, that I let my emotions get the better of me, but I just couldn't take another installment of this (one argument has been ongoing for almost two years now).
  • There is another person in my life that has, over a period of a number of years, treated me rather badly. For a variety of reasons, none particularly commendable, I've put up with it, hoping that things would change. As I've moved from The City to The Cottage to The House, I've tried to change this relationship - it's gotten to the point where I'm ready to say "enough. stop." because change isn't forthcoming. There are good things that this person brings to my life, but many times I feel so edgy around them that it can take a week to recover from time spent together.
  • The House isn't where I want it to be, organizationally. Painting still needs to be done (and I know some people I could hire for the lesser problem places, but I'm in a frugal mode and I could do it on my own)... my office space isn't organized... my bedroom isn't "nesty" enough yet... The Collection is still boxed (although I understand we're 2 bookcases down, 6 to go so things are moving in that area)... and the kitchen doesn't work. I know it can take months for these things to get done, but that's not how I've worked in the past. All three of my past moves/settling in time were much, much quicker.
So I'm sitting here, blogging instead of working. Composing angry e-mails in my head instead of finding constructive ways to deal with the problems.

Because of The Storm last week, Meeting was canceled. Tomorrow, I have to go to another Meeting so I can make it to the Book Fair on time. What I'd really like is to go to my Meeting, then come home to quiet - and hope that I can work some of the above out. Because where I am right now just isn't a good place.


reader_iam said...

I don't know exactly what to say at this precise moment, or how to say which thing, so I'm going to leave it at this:

I want you to know that I read this post. That the pebble tossed into the stream did not go unnoticed: It rippled the water.

The tree made a sound--and one I recognize


Warmly, and with regard,


reader_iam said...


Aravis said...

Some days it all just feels so hard, so overwhelming. Some thoughts:

While working on the house, I would just take it one project at a time, broken down into even smaller pieces if necessary. Can't think of unpacking all of those boxes? How about just one. After that box is unpacked, decide whether or not you feel up to unpacking another box, or if you've had enough for the time being. Same thing with painting, etc. One step at a time, it will get done.

People are tricky. When I'm depressed, the people around me irritate me even if I usually like them. I think we do the best we can and while most of the time we keep it together, still there are those times when we are human and behave in ways we are not proud of.

Be gentle with yourself. Be good to yourself.

I'm thinking of you.

Murphy Jacobs said...

There are toxic people and poisonous relationships, this I believe. I've learned much from even my worst relationship (sometimes just how not to allow myself to be mistreated). Occasionally, the best one can do is let it end or cut it off. Even if a particular flower is beautiful, if it makes you break out in hives every time you are around it, you have to find other flowers.

I hope you find a whole gardenful, with nary a sneeze or itch.