Looking Backward and Forward (aka a Belated New Year's Meme)

I've cribbed from Philosophy Mom before, so why stop now?

Given that this past New Year's was the first anniversary of my mother's death, I wasn't really ready to do this.  But now, a few weeks later, it's time to close out 2019 and start 2020.  So here goes!

1. What did you do in 2019 that you'd never done before?

The obvious answer is "buried my mother", right?  And along with that goes the confronting of my mortality and the more real possibility that my father won't always be here (no, I wasn't thinking of him as immortal, but still...).

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No.  I did set a few intentions, but between dealing with family and health many of them didn't really come to fruition.  We'll see about this year, when getting physically healthy will be the primary goal.  Mental health will play a large part in that, as stress eating leads to all sorts of other issues...

3. Did anyone close to you get married?

Not that I'm aware of.  And clearly, if they did and I don't know, we're not that close, right?

4. Did anyone close to you get divorced?

Again, not as far as I'm aware.

5. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Physically close? Yes.  Several colleagues.  But emotionally close?  See my answers to 3 and 4.

6. Did anyone close to you die?

Say it with me: my mother.  And then there was my father's best friend (watching him deliver that eulogy was as difficult as the one he gave Mom).  And my cousin's husband.

7. What countries did you visit?

Canada and the Netherlands.

8. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

Good health.  Less emotional stress.

9. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving.  I know, that sounds trite.  But there was emotional stuff to deal with beyond my mother's death and just making it to work daily was a huge achievement.

10. What was your biggest failure?

There's one personal relationship that took a serious hit in late May.  Things are slightly better now, but it still causes me to feel guilt and stress.

11. Did you suffer illness or injury?

My eye was stable (has been for about two years now) for the year, so perhaps I could celebrate the opposite of injury.  And when you're on immunosuppressants and working in a school, illness is just a given.  Unlike 2017, with the Cough That Ate Winter Break, having a head cold for about two months doesn't seem like such a big deal.

12. What was the best thing you bought?

There wasn't anything I bought (beyond the trip to Amsterdam, so perhaps I'll claim that as the best purchase of 2019), but I got two great gifts at the end of the year.  The first was/is a Cuisinart Programmable Kettle.  It has totally revolutionized my tea drinking, and I drink a lot of tea!  The second was keeping with my ability to not buy my own television.  The old one dated from 2006 and was working just fine except... it was a CRT "dumb" tv, and while I could access Netflix and Acorn using Xfinity, BritBox wasn't available.  Now it is, which means I can watch EastEnders on time!

13. Whose behavior merited celebration?

This might not be "behavior" but my father has done so well this year.  He was never the most social person, and it was a little worrisome that he was now alone in the house.  Silly me!  He's found people to spend time with (mostly friends of my mother), visited family in Colorado and Canada, and even participated in a professional conference.

14. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Most politicians, on both sides.  The Republicans because, well... and the Democrats because they're focusing on winning in 2020 by presenting plans that are largely unworkable (for example, do anyone really think that Medicaid-for-All will pass the House and Senate?  what are those politicians plans not just to propose change but to help it get through the legislative process???)

15. Where did most of your money go?
Travel, both personal and professional.  Increasing my ink, pen and tea collections.  Some clothing (how certain items all seem to need replacing at the same time is one of life's mysteries).

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Tapering off my drugs.  At the start of 2019 I took 17 pills daily (13 in the morning, 4 in the afternoon), and by January 1 I was down to 7.  My hope is to get back to 3 (including my multi-vitamin) by the summer.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? happier by a slight margin
thinner or fatter? same as last year
richer or poorer? same as last year

Equilibrium is good, right?

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Being more sensitive to others despite being depressed and in mourning.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Stress eating. Binge watching tv.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

I think of it as Jewmas, so the traditional Chinese meal (and a Netflix movie, not one in the theatre)

21. How did you bring in the New Year?

Remembering my mother.

22. Did you fall in love?

Next question.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Leaving aside the binge watching stuff, and a program I've watched since 1985... or another political (including PMQs)… The Great British Baking Show was a new favorite, and the revamped Q and A. Succession.

24. What was the best book you read?

Wow.  Um... There were a bunch of five star books last year.  You want me to choose one??


25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

None.  I stuck with tried-and-true.   Yeah, I know.  Borrrrring.

26. What was your favorite film of the year?

Didn't make it to the Big Screen, but via Netflix I watched The Post and Tea with the Dames and would highly recommend them to anyone.

27. What was your favorite live performance?

Two very different ones: Mark Morris Company and Eddie Izzard.  Both came just when I needed them.

28. What did you want and get?

Time to really think about my life going forward.  A great pen-and-ink box (thanks to my father).

29. What did you want and not get?

Answers to some questions regarding a couple of people at work.  More time with my mother.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Nothing beyond going out for dinner.  With everything going on, celebrating wasn't something I wanted to do.  As for age, let's just say I'm "a lady of a certain age".

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Being able to retire or work part-time (don't get me wrong, I love my work, but I need a break - and not one in the summer, when the heat saps all my energy)

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2019?

My what???

33. What kept you sane?

The Herd.  Friends.  The Things.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

There's no way to describe the angst and anger at the idiocy of all political figures.

36. Whom did you miss?

Mom. HS friends that gathered when I wasn't able to make it.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Beyond new people at work, I'd say my sister's daughter (whom I'd met a few times before, but this year I feel as though I've really gotten to know and like her).

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

It was more of a reminder: people don't always tell you how they feel about you until it's too late.

39. What was your favorite moment of the year?
One evening spent with good friends and good food and drink.

40. What was your least favorite moment of the year?

The day of my mother's funeral and the day of her internment.

41. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2019 and change something, what would it be?

In one case, I'm not sure it's a moment but I'd take better care of one relationship.  In the other, I wouldn't come in to work when I wasn't really able to be 100% there and said something really stupid.

42. What are your plans for 2020?

A trip to Lisbon.  Moving to a new apartment,  Possibly buying a new car.  Keeping things together at work and home better than I managed to do last year.  Working on my physical and emotional health.

Notable Quotes

... but Michael was too tired to fall asleep.  He listened to his Walkman.  Laurie Anderson sang, "O Superman," a chant of such profundity and nonsense that washed over him like the shower, a nice, hot shower... 

"Hi, I'm not home right now," Laurie Anderson said, "but if you want to leave a message, just start talking at the sound of the tone ha ha ha ha ha ha..." Michael had put this part of "O Superman" on their answering machine.  

One night, when they got back from dinner, Daphne played back their messages and they heard, in her mother's nervous voice, the next line of the song, "Hello. It's your mother. Are you there?"

The Grammarians, Charlotte Schine

(honestly, who didn't do this back in the day?)

The language of love

Over the past 30+ years, I have nine cats.  From Howard through to the three now curled up in my bedroom, they've all had very different personalities and speaking patterns.

We know that cats don't vocalize to each other (how they communicate is still a mystery to me, although I'm holding out for telepathy) but they do vocalize to their humans.  Some of the nine have been quite vocal, to the point where you can virtually have a conversation with them - of course, it's quite a bit like this video, except with a cat:

Right now, we have two that chirp.  One makes those "ack" noises and squeaks, yet doesn't have a real meow.  The other has a meow and has perfected her cooing noises.  Both girls are also good at yelling at me when they're hungry or when they think it's time for their bedtime treats.  As the saying goes, dogs have owners, cats have staff.

And then there's our strong, silent boy.  The only noises he makes (beyond snoring) are variants on a hiss - some are angry, but most are just commentary.  For example, when I'm doing bedtime treats, he'll hiss briefly, but his ears aren't back and he's happy to be scratched (a little, he's not a big cuddler). Or when he's perched on top of the mattress we really need to throw away, he'll hiss a hello.  Since he's 12 years old, I'm guessing that's as good as it gets from him.  Still, I know he loves me.

2019 Year-End Reading Round-Up

Another year with 305 books read, just barely going over the goal of 300 for the year.  Reviews are over at the reading blog, but again some didn't get reviewed because they were either picture books I "read" for MPOW's Mock Caldecott, while others fell into the "you can't talk about this" category for the Book Award Committee.

So... here's the 2019 reading analysis (2018 numbers in parens):
number of books read in 2019: 305 (305)
best month: August/50 (December/59)
worst month: April/15 (January/15)
average read per month:  24.4 (24.4)
adult fiction as percentage of total: 20 (14)
children's/YA fiction as percentage of total:  18 (18)

Advance Readers Copies: 257 (163)
e-books: 0 (0)
books read that were published in 2019: 256 (4)
books that will be published in the 2020: 36
five star reviews (aka "Must Read"):  30 (21)
one star reviews (aka "DNF"): 11 (11)

While Mt. Bookpile was 255 this time last year, it's at 278  now.  And that's not counting books I can't talk about!  Goal for 2020?  300 books again.  And a hope that I can read more from Mt. Bookpile (maybe 50?) than I do ARCs.  We'll see!

Notes from Mt. Bookpile

The second half of the year hasn't been bad for reading.  I caught up (and then passed) my annual goal over the summer, giving me some breathing room for the rest of the year.  Between work and vacations, three-day weekends and Winter Break, I've managed to stay on target.  Here's to a great next year of reading.

Biography/Memoir

• Girl Under a Red Moon, Da Chen
• Five Days Gone, Laura Cumming
• Stealing Green Mangoes, Sunil Dutta
• Dead Inside, Cyndy Etler
• Life Undercover, Amaryllis Fox
• Child of the Dream, Sharon Robinson

Children's

• A ¡Vamos! Let's Go to the Market, Raul Gonzalez III
• The Full House and the Empty House, LK James
• Vroom!, Barbara McClintock
• Sea Bear, Lindsay Moore
• Bear Came Along, Richard T. Morris
• Hey, Water!, Antoinette Portis
• My Papi Has a Motorcycle, Isabel Quintero
• Who Wet My Pants?, Bob Shea
• You Are Home, Evan Turk
• A Stone Sat Still, Brendan Wenzel
• Elvis Is King!, Jonah Winter

Children's/Young Adult Fiction

• The Undefeated, Kwame Alexander
• Deadly Little Scandals, Jennifer Lynn Barnes
• The Last True Poets of the Sea, Julia Drake
• Shine!, J.J. Grabenstein
• All the Stars and Teeth, Adalyn Grace
• Hugo and Josephine, Maria Gripe
• Only Mostly Devastated, Sophie Gonzales
• Run, Hide, Fight Back, April Henry
• The Bookwanderers, Anna James
• I'm Not Dying with You Tonight, Kimberly Jones
• The Year We Fell From Space, A.S. King
• Tweet Cute, Emma Lord
• The Swallows, Lisa Lutz
• Karen's Ghost, Ann M. Martin
• What Makes Us, Rafi Mittlefehldt
• Ali Cross, James Patterson
• Under Water, J.L. Powers
• Look Both Ways, Jason Reynolds
• Snowflake, AZ, Marcus Sedgwick
• Kissing Ezra Holtz (and Other Things I Did for Science), Brianna R. Shrum
• Deposing Nathan, Zack Smedley
• Don't Read the Comments, Eric  Smith
• The Gravity of Us, Phil Stamper
• The List of Things That Will Not Change, Rebecca Stead
• The God Game, Danny Tobey
• Anthem, Deborah Wiles
• Rayne & Delilah's Midnite Matinee, Jeff Zentner

Children's/Young Adult Speculative Fiction

• The Night Country, Melissa Albert
• Ninth House, Leigh Bardugo
• Sword and Pen, Rachel Caine
• The Fire Keeper, J.C. Cervantes
• The Silvered Serpents, Roshani Chokshi
• Dark Truths, A.J. Cross
• Ivory Apples, Lisa Goldstein
• The Record Keeper, Agnes Gomillion
• Rule, Ellen Goodlett
• The Library of the Unwritten, A.J. Hackwith
• Remarkables, Margaret Peterson Haddix
• The Pretenders, Rebecca Hanover
• The Star Shepherd, Dan Haring
• The Dark Lord Clementine, Sarah Jean Horwitz
• A Heart So Fierce and Broken, Brigid Kemmerer
• Darkdawn, Jay Kristoff
• Curse, of the Evil Librarian Michelle Knudsen
• The Bone Houses, Emily Lloyd-Jones
• The Furies, Katie Lowe
• The Hive, Barry Lyga
• Rules for Vanishing, Kate Alice Marshall
• Tristan Strong Punches a Hole in the Sky, Kwame Mbalia
• Come Tumbling Down, Seanan McGuire
• Dark and Deepest Red, Anna-Marie McLemore
• The Thief Knot, Kate Milford
• There Will Come a Darkness, Katy Rose Pool
• Crown of Coral and Pearl, Mara Rutherford
• Starsight, Brandon Sanderson
• The Magnolia Sword, Sherry Thomas
• Cursed, Thomas Wheeler
• The Guinevere Deception, Kiersten White

Fiction/Literature

• Followers, Megan Angelo
• The Last List of Miss Judith Kratt, Andrea Bobotis
• If Only I Could Tell You, Hannah Beckerman
• Book Of Colours, Robyn Cadwallader
• The Painted Castle, Kristy Cambron
• Africaville, Jeffrey Colvin
• Akin, Emma Donoghue
• Invisible as Air, Zoe Fishman
• The Girl Who Reads on the Metro, Christine Foret-Fleury
• Beirut Hellfire Society, Rawi Hage
• The Headmaster's Papers, Richard A. Hawley
• The World That We Knew, Alice Hoffman
• The Glass Woman, Caroline Lea
• The Topeka School, Ben Lerner
• Wake, Siren: Ovid Resung, Nina MacLaughlin
• The Nanny, Gilly Macmillan
• The Shadow King, Maaza Mengiste
• The Giver of Stars, Jojo Moyes
• Dear Edward, Ann Napolitano
• The Secrets We Kept, Lara Prescott
• Bellevue Square, Michael Redhill
• My Dark Vanessa, Kate Elizabeth Russell
• The Grammarians, Cathleen Schine
• Reputation, Sara Shepard
• A Madness of Sunshine, Nalini Singh
• Marrow Island, Alexis M. Smith
• Devotion, Madeline  Stevens
• Olive, Again, Elizabeth Strout
• The Bookish Life of Nina Hill, Abbi Waxman
• The Truants, Kate Weinberg
• Girl Through Glass, Sari Wilson
• Red at the Bone, Jacqueline Woodson

Horror

• The Remaking, Clay McLeod Chapman

Humor

• Strange Planet, Nathan W. Pyle

Mystery/Thriller

• Big Sky, Kate Atkinson
• The Poison Garden, A.J. Banner
• Death in the Covenant, D.A. Bartley
• The Gone Dead, Chanelle Benz
• Their Little Secret, Mark Billingham
• Your House Will Pay, Steph Cha
• The Long Call, Ann Cleeves
• The House of Brides, Jane Cockram
• Raven Lane, Amber Cowie
• The Butterfly Girl, Rene Denfeld
• Grace Is Gone, Emily Elgar
• Good Girls Lie, J.T. Ellison
• The Tenth Girl, Sara Faring
• The Wives, Tarryn Fisher
• How Quickly She Disappears, Raymond Fleischmann
• A Castle in the Clouds, Kerstin Gier
• The Old Success, Martha Grimes
• Joe Country and London Rules, Mick Herron
• Where Bodies Fall, Shelia Kindellan-Sheehan
• Cold Storage, David Koepp
• Pretty Guilty Women, Gina LaManna
• Girl Last Seen, Nina Laurin
• One Night Gone, Tara Laskowski
• The Poison Garden, Alex Marwood
• Impossible Causes, Julie Mayhew
• First Cut, Judy Melinek
• Please See Us, Caitlin Mullen
• Knife and The Redbreast, Jo Nesbo
• A Better Man, Louise Penny
• In the Hall with the Knife, Diana Peterfreund
• Dead to Her, Sarah Pinborough
• The Hotel Neversink, Adam O'Fallon Price
• Tuesday Mooney Talks to Ghosts, Kate Racculia
• Miss Pinkerton, Mary Roberts Rinehart
• Cold is the Grave. Peter Robinson
• The Last Widow, Karin Slaughter
• The Sun Down Motel, Simone St. James
• The Chestnut Man, Soren Sveistrup
• Eight Perfect Murders, Peter Swanson
• Winter Grave, Helene Tursten
• The Stranger Inside, Lisa Unger
• The Evil That Boys Do, T.C. Van Adler
• The Turn of the Key, Ruth Ware
• Famous in Cedarville, Erica Wright
• Darling Rose Gold, Stephanie Wrobel

Non-Fiction

• Dreams of El Dorado, H.W. Brands
• White Fragility, Robin DiAngelo
• The Third Rainbow Girl, Emma Copley Eisenberg
• A Death in the Rainforest, Don Kulick
• The Miracle and Tragedy of the Dionne Quintuplets, Sarah Miller
• Yale Needs Women, Anne Gardiner Perkins
• The In-Betweens. Mira Ptacin
• The Seine, Elaine Sciolino

Speculative Fiction

• Imaginary Friend, Stephen Chbosky
• Highfire, Eoin Colfer
• Metropolitan Stories, Christine Coulson
• Kingdomtide, Rye Curtis
• The Ten Thousand Doors of January, Alix E. Harrow
• Woven in Moonlight, Isabel Ibanez
• Things in Jars, Jess Kidd
• Only the Devil is Here, Stephen Michell
• The Starless Sea, Erin Morgenstern
• Before the Devil Fell, Neil Olson
• Harley Quinn: Breaking Glass, Mariko Tamaki
• Creatures, Crissy Van Meter
• Unnatural Magic, C.M. Waggoner
• A Treason of Thorns, Laura E. Weymouth

A Year Since

This time last year, my mother was still alive... barely.  In another hour, she wouldn't be alive any longer.

Since then, my father has taken baby steps into a life without her.  Since then, my sister and I have adjusted to talking about "Dad" rather than "Mom and Dad".  Since then, we've all had time to think about how much we miss her and how we connect without her around.

I'll just put this here, as a brief reminder of what a year is.  Trite?  Sure.  But still meaningful.

Last Man Standing

In the summer of 1969 we moved into SmallVillage.  There were many families at our end of the street (including one family with two single children, one pair of twins and then triplets!), old enough to play with or be babysitters. 

First the family across the street moved to Singapore (something I remembered years later, scaring the woman who had lived there), but a family with four children moved in.  Then the next door family moved, replaced with a family with two children my sister and I would babysit for a few years later.  The "new" family across the street moved in 1981, but we became close with the newer family.  Slowly things changed during the 30+ year stretch between my going to school and my parents needing our help for the summer.  In January 2019, the only long term residents were us, the people across the street, and the family next to them.  Then the 90-year-old in number 12 got ill and was moved to an assisted living facility, never to return.  The family in number 14 decided to downsize, and moved out over the past month.

My father has just left to visit my sister and her family so he won't be home, alone, on the anniversary of my mother's death.  When he comes back, he'll be the last man standing living on our end of the street. It's only a matter of time before he, too leaves.  An era, nearly over.

Four Years (or 1, 461 days) Ago

Exactly four years ago I learned that my left optic nerve was inflamed, and that I would need steroids to try to fix things.

Since then I've had innumerable blood tests, two three-day courses of steroids, gone on oral steroids and immunosuppresants, taken other medications to protect me while on those drugs, had three MRIs, one CAT and one PET scan, and visited three different doctors (an ophthalmologist, a neuro ophthalmologist and a retinal specialist) at a rate of about one a month.  And as a pleasant side effect, I've had three ultrasounds and visits to two other doctors because my eye doctors "just want to be sure" things are ok.  Sigh.

Luckily, things have stabilized and there's hope that maybe all this will taper off -- despite my eye not completely ever getting back to 100%, I can live with what I have now.

Then about a month ago I learned that an art teacher I know in SmallCity has been experiencing the same symptoms.  Thus far it's just oral steroids and some improvement, and I'm praying that this will be all she needs.  If she does relapse (as I did) well... her health care is nowhere near as comprehensive as mine is, not to mention that SmallCity isn't known for being a hotbed of medical excellence.

Looking back, those 1,461 days haven't been all bad.  I've gone to Dublin and Amsterdam and Montreal, and seen some great performances, and generally manage to get through my life with only fatigue and some minor inconveniences (like the timing of my "nighttime" pills, or muscle weakness).  I can't imagine being at the start of this, teaching art for a living and without the best hospitals/doctors and full health coverage.

In other words, don't feel bad for me, but please keep her in your hearts.

Notable Quotes

Yu's voice dips even lower.  "Because it seemed an obvious solution.  It made both the emperor and the people think something was being done.  And we have all, at some point, confused doing something—anything—with actually solving the problem."

The Magnolia Sword by Sherry Thomas

Post 3000?

In December 2006, after around two years of blogging, I hit 1000 posts.  I took another six and a half years to hit post number 2000.  And now, six years later, there have fewer than 200 posts.  It's not that life is less exciting, or there's less to blog about.  It's that I'm tired all the time, thanks to the exciting combination of EBV and CRION.  I'm reading for committees or collection development, and I do blog most of my reviews (nearly 1400 reviews posted since then, and over 2000 books read!).  Work gets in the way.  Losing my mother got in the way (and then some).

Will I make it to 3000?  Does it even matter?